Historical Fiction . . .

[Rooinek]

Our story begins in the Year 5 BC in the city of Rome.

Not far from the Colosseum on a back street just off the main road is a tavern called the Forum Ruckussium owned by an old drunkard named Moffius. The tavern serves as a front to an illegal trafficking business run by Moffius where slaves known as Servile Gimps (Gimpus Servilae) are smuggled into the Colosseum by crooked guards to service those gladiators who have a preference for the company of men. Trafficking of Gimps is a surprisingly good source of income for Moffius, certainly enough to keep him inebriated all day every day and Moffius has one particular client - a gladiator named Klownius - who has an almost insatiable appetite for the services of the Servile Gimps.

The ground floor of Forum Ruckussium is a typical tavern with a bar and some tables and benches and Moffius does most of his business from behind the bar. Above the tavern are a few rooms where Moffius lives while below the tavern is an underground complex where the Servile Gimps live while they wait for their services to be requested. It is in this underground cellar below the tavern where our story begins . . .

Three of the Servile Gimps - DumbAssius, Beenius and Densus - are sitting around a table talking. Densus says "Any of you guys want to bet on the fight between Klownius and Plumus Prunius on Saturday? I reckon Plumus will take him down."

"Oooh I hope not", says Beenius, "Klownius is Master Moffius' best client . . . and we all know that he's our favourite client as well because he likes to be . . . ummmm . . . underneath."

"Yes", says DumbAssius, "but did you see what Plumus did to Draadtrekkius last week?"

"I did", says Beenius, "in fact I was with Draadtrekkius in his room after the fight and you won't believe all the cuts and bruises he had that I had to soothe and bandage."

"I wonder if Emperor Pissmintius will be there", says Dumbassius, "he often goes to the big fights. I really hate him. You won't believe all the naughty and mean things that he does."

"Oooooh I hate him too", says Densus "do you know what he said just the oth . . ."

Just then there's a knock on the door. It is OuMaaikus, one of the guards. He points to Densus and says, "You're up. Ceraduncius has requested you."

"Oh no," says Densus, "Ceraduncius can be quite rough sometimes. Why can't I ever get requested by Klownius?"

"I think it's because you're so ugly," says Beenius, "the only ones who request you want you face down."

"Our Master Moffius doesn't think I'm ugly", whimpers Densus "he thinks I'm beautiful."

"Yes but then again, he's always pissed." says DumbAssius.

"Come on then," says OuMaaikus, "let's go."

Densus leaves with OuMaaikus.

"So, Beenius", says DumbAssius, "have you heard all these stories about some Jew in Judea somewhere who calls himself the Messiah?"

"Gosh no", says Beenius, "but that sounds very interesting indeed! Tell me more!"

[Rooinek]

(This was posted by bluebok)

Sebastienus overhears the discussion from a nearby table and interjects.

"I have heard of the Jew in Judea!"

Beenius and Dumbassius roll their eyes in unison. All that frequent the tavern try to avoid making eye contact with Sebastienus, because even the slightest attention given to him will be, to his mind, an invitation for him to regale all that will listen with one of his long winded stories about places he has been and mundane things he has experienced. Without being invited he joins them at the table and takes over the conversation.

"I have a cousin who's friend overheard a barman in Judea talking about the Jew. Apparently he is able to cure all sorts of ailments. Leprosy, blindness and even paralysis are no challenge for him. He can even turn water into wine! For his services one need only believe that he is the son of the almighty. He does have a set of terms and conditions though. For example, he does not perform these services for homosexuals."

Beenius, now no longer rolling his eyes, is more than just a little interested.

"Why should we believe you? You have never once been able to prove one of your stories true. Nobody can ever attest to what you claim to have seen or experienced. I need proof otherwise I am just going to put this down to another one of your long winded fairy tales."

Not discouraged, Sebastienus simply replies.

"You don't need proof, you just need faith."

With that Beenius has all the evidence he needs. He stands up and grabs at his belongings. In his excitement he sends his goblet of milk flying. For him nothing else matters. There is one thing and one thing only on his mind. Cure the tiny penis!

[Rooinek]

(This was posted by Plum)

Diary entry: 07/06/-0005



Plumus Prunius has been brought to Big Bear where i have promised to prepare him for his next bought.

He recently suffered more injuries than he should have in a fight against a vastly inferior opponent.

This had re-lit the eye of the tiger in Plumus and it's said that wherever he goes now, rock music can be heard playing in the background. Plumus wasn't aware that actual bears lived at Big Bear and it's this very rock music phenomenon that drew a large brown bear closer to investigate.

Plumus was not armed as he did his 100km sprint at altitude today. He only had his next fight on his mind. He did not even have a water bottle with him. He claims that he absorbs moisture from the atmosphere and can go without food for twelve years. There are still no photographs of him eating.

As Plumus rounded a large tree he was suddenly confront by the giant bear. Its large eyes were teary and it looked lost as it said "Mowgli?"

"Hey! Hey! Easy you big perverted bear!" Plumus said as he adopted his outdoor wing-chung raptor pose.

"Are you Mowgli?"

"The fuck? Come one step closer and I'm gonna rip your throat out like in Roadhouase - shout out Patrick Swayze."

"Are you my Mowgli?"

Plumus did a quick calculation in his head. He determined that he'd sprinted about forty kilometers and had sixty left to go. With a bear skin weighing about thirty kilograms he wouldn't be able to sprint all the way back. He decided to kill the bear anyway.

Plumus blinked through the bear and was behind it in an instant. The bear looked down to realise that it's heart been ripped from it's body. It fell to the floor with a loud thud.

Approximately seventeen minutes after setting off for his warm up sprint, Plumus arrived back at the gym. He threw a large neatly cleaned bear skin on the back of my bakkie. He then printed into the gym and flying kicked a heavy bag through an adjacent wall.

Day 1 at training camp is underway.



Uli Schmidt - Coach to Plumus